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The 2020 NFL season starts tonight with the defending-champion Chiefs playing host to the Texans to start a season that will be unlike any that we have seen before.
There have been no preseason games so we have no idea how teams are coming together as Week 1 approaches. There will be no fans (or very few fans) at games for at least a while, which is going to be weird. And hopefully there won’t be any COVID-19 cases that could change things.
But as of right now everything is all systems go, which is just awesome.
My friend and colleague Steven Ruiz put together a tremendous season preview that you should check out. It’s full of info on every team, changes that they’ve made, and expectations that experts have put on them. He also made predictions, too.
I’m gonna go the other route here and just have some fun in explaining quickly why each team will not win the Super Bowl this year. Nothing you read below is scientific. I have spent zero minutes watching game film this offseason. All this comes from my stupid gut.
Bills: The Bills have been allergic to winning playoff games since 1995.
Dolphins: Miami’s starting quarterback went to Harvard and is 92 years old.
Jets: They are the New York Jets.
Patriots: Bill Belichick is arguably the second best receiver on the team.
Bengals: Cincinnati hasn’t even won a playoff game since before email was a thing.
Browns: Cleveland was the sexy pick last year and they burned all of us. Not this time, Cleveland. Not this time!
Ravens: Lamar Jackson is so darn good that I’m having a tough time figuring out why they won’t win the Super Bowl so I’ll just go with these two words: Patrick. Mahomes.
Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger now has a new QB in New England to lose to in big games.
Colts: Philip Rivers is going to be exhausted from driving his bus from San Diego to Indy each week.
Jaguars: Their QB is the equivalent of the beer he’s been promoting this summer.
Texans: The franchise thought it would be fun to reward a bad coach by making him a bad GM, too.
Titans: Hoping for Ryan Tannehill to have another career year is like hoping to hoping to be inspired by quotes people post on Instagram, it’s just not gonna happen.
Broncos: John Elway is in love with his offense and we know what it means when John Elway thinks he has the perfect fits.
Chargers: Their one fan in LA just isn’t enough to give them the emotional support they need.
Chiefs: Now that he’s won a Super Bowl, Andy Reid might put too much/all of his focus on getting free cheeseburgers.
Raiders: Nobody ever wins in Las Vegas.
Cowboys: Dallas fans are overly enthusiastic about their chances this year and we know how that usually goes for them when they’re feeling good about their team.
Eagles: Their quarterback is as fragile as a MAGA person’s emotions upon seeing someone peacefully protesting.
Giants: Jason Garrett is on their coaching staff.
Washington: Daniel Snyder is still signing the checks.
Bears: Their QB is still trying to figure out how to throw a football, which is far from ideal.
Lions: The Lions need to do the right thing and decline being a guaranteed Thanksgiving Day game. Until then, the football gods will rightly continue to punish them.
Packers: With no fans in the stands, the Lambeau Leaps will be the loneliest things in sports and players won’t feel up to scoring.
Vikings: Kirk Cousins won’t be able to mask his disappointment after falling short again, even though he should.
Bucs: Karma finally gets to Tom Brady for trying to sell pajamas that help you recover while you sleep and powder that helps you stay healthy during a pandemic.
Falcons: 28-3 continues to have a long shelf life.
Panthers: Christian McCaffrey is going to win a lot of championships this year, just in fantasy football.
Saints: NFL refs just don’t like the Saints.
Cardinals: Kliff Kingsbury is too cool to win a Super Bowl.
49ers: Kyle Shanahan’s love for giving up big leads in the Super Bowl will continue to be too difficult for his players to overcome.
Rams: It’s just going to be too hard to overcome their terrible new logo.
Seahawks: As long as Pete Carroll (who would be a legend of NFL games were 55 minutes long) is around you can count on baffling late-game decisions that will leave everyone scratching their heads.
Wednesday’s biggest winner: NBA fans.
The Raptors beat the Celtics in an epic Game 6 that went to double overtime and ended with the teams trading some words after the final whistle. Game 7 on Friday is going to be so fun.
Quick hits: Week 1 fantasy football advice… Serena’s long rally… And more.
– Charles Curtis is back with fantasy football studs, duds, and sleepers for Week 1. He loves Big Ben this week.
– Serena Williams had an incredible 24-shot volley at the US Open that you can watch right here. It was pretty awesome.
– NBA fans reminded everyone of how the Bucks once tried to burn the Lakers.